The List

*
The things I am working on this year:

-Discover the perfect rich chocolate cake recipe. An over-the-top, lots of fudge frosting/mousse filled layers, makes you want to moan it is so good cake that T always craves.

-Simplify. Eliminate needless spending. Put together a budget and follow it.

-Be in bed with lights out by 10. Try to be in bed by 9:30 and spend the next half-hour winding down and reading.

-No computer past 9 pm, it throws off my sleep. Limit computer time all around.

-Create a healthier lifestyle. Eat better, sleep better, spend more time outside, be more active, think happier thoughts, spend more time on positive and quality things...

-Health is a privilege. Do what is needed to merit it.

-Plan out menus for the week. Waste less food and eat healthier through planning.

-Do all cleaning, laundry, etc. on the same day each week. Put laundry away the same day it is washed.

-Start exercising in the morning. This will entail setting my alarm (sigh), but if I don't do it in the morning, it usually doesn't happen.

-Clean out my closet. Toss the things I shouldn't be wearing. Replace with a few items I should be wearing if needed. (Translation: You know the outfits you swore you would never wear? Lazy slobby things like huge sweats and ugly t-shirts? Un-flattering pants and tops you previously would have been humiliated to wear in private, but now wear to take your kids to school? It is a slippery slope and I am afraid that I have begun to slide. Even if I have days when all I do is play at home with the kids there is no reason I can't wear something that is practical and put-together. It isn't heels or nothing.)

-Do things immediately. I have always had a tendency toward procrastination, and recently realized that if I take care of thoughts or things that need to be done immediately, I am motivated to do what needs to be done, freeing me to move on to whatever comes up next. If I push things to the side, oh boy, the delay in completing them rapidly spins out of control until it is just too overwhelming for me to even think about, so I put them off some more or forget about them entirely. I can make my life much easier if I just take care of ideas and things as they come up - it is quick and painless.

-Be on time. If I have a few extra minutes before I need to do something or go somewhere I immediately think that that means I have a few extra minutes to squeeze something in. I forget that there is always something that will delay things a bit or take more time than planned. Usually thinking that I will be somewhere early means that I will arrive on time and be much more pleasant and not stressed.

- This is the year that my "little project" either happens or I am moving on. (For those that know about it, it is still a (very prolonged) go. I'm in the process of switching factories....)

-Relax and enjoy life. It flies by so quickly and there is so much that is worth soaking in.

Life is funny.

It changes. Things that mattered so much can lose their meaning, and things that were never paid attention, or even avoided, slowly become what is important.

I guess this is less about life being funny and more about me being funny, or more appropriately put, me evolving into what I like to think is a better, more experienced, and more aware version of myself.

I can't wait to see what changes are on the horizon.

Love

It is too easy to forget that you are truly in love with someone. Its not that you don't love them anymore, you just find yourself taking the relationship and all the emotions it can contain for granted. You get lazy with the relationship and let go things that make that relationship what it is. At least that is what I have found.

I've started to put together a spot for me, and I am toying with framing some "love" prints and overlapping them on an art ledge. It could be a fun addition to a fun spot. We'll see. It might be nice to have a casual reminder that I have something worth cherishing and that to keep it that way I need to remember that I have it.

Some prints I am liking (from a very quick search):

Don't you love this print? The wording more than anything.

Anything by Made by Girl:

Especially Deeply Madly

LOVE

ABC Love

I'm trying to decide if I like this print
by I Am Still Alive. It fits the theme, but is it too much?

I'm not meaning to sound all obnoxious and "oh, I have the best relationship ever," or "my marriage is doomed." I just needed to do this to remind me of how easy it is to get completely absorbed in our daily lives and our kids and forget why we decided to make a life together in the first place.

Wonder

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.

~Walt Streightiff


It is easy to forget this. Every last inch and ever last minute of our day is a potentially new and exciting experience for my children, even if that is playing with the same old toy or rope, but using it or their imagination in a new way. My jaded eyes and ears sometimes skip over items that are able to bring joy to my babies. I love how enthralled and captivated they can be by things.

I took the kids to the children's museum last week and we found ourselves staring at this neat ball roller coaster/maze thing for a good 20 or more minutes. It is pretty fascinating, even for me, but after a couple minutes of watching I started shifting back and forth, eager to hustle the kids to another spot. One look at their enraptured faces and I committed to stay as long as they wanted without breaking their trance. I found myself using the time to really follow the balls, to really watch all the random events that put them on the path that they wound up on. I found myself looking forward to the thunk of a ball bouncing on just the right spot to put it back on the track or the balls that made certain chimes ring just so. It was amazing. Truly worthy of being considered a wonder of the world. I have never appreciated it for what it is before.

We have been enjoying the occasional strawberry eaten within seconds of being picked from it's spot in our garden. A likes to help me look for them since she is usually the one eating them and I recently realized just how much she enjoys finding and picking these little treats. We even have to argue over some of the greener ones even though she knows and tells me they are not ready yet. She just enjoys the experience so much that she finds it hard to wait another day to see the progress. I just laugh when she tells me "Look! There's another one! It's ready, see? It's ready." To her our strawberry plants are one of the wonders of the world.

So... I am trying to slow down, to step back and recognize everything for what it is and has the potential to be. I am trying to look at things from a fresh perspective, trying to see the wonder in the world around me. And it is truly wonderful.

Now I need to go to sleep. Being on the computer brings out the insomniac in me.

*Could fall asleep sitting up right now, so my apologies if my thoughts are a bit muddled. This just hit me kind of hard so I wanted to remember it.

I was just outside watering my plants (yes, it is 10:30, don't ask!) and the same thought/situation ran through my head that has ran through my head almost every time I have hand watered a plant since I was 4 years old. I water the roots, but I also like to spray the leaves. This goes back to when I was a child living in Texas and my Mom asked me to water the shrubs, and my little 4-year old brain assumed that watering the plants/giving them a drink was like showering - I figured the plants wanted their leaves to get wet; I didn't even consider that the dirt below was what needed the water. I eventually figured out that the roots are what matter, but to this day I still spray the leaves as a courtesy to the plant. It works for me . . .

What hit me so hard tonight is that my son is 4 1/2 and has probably already started gathering memories that he will hold onto for life. He is at the age that I can reflect on and remember quite a few things from. It is a very intimidating thought. What will be important enough to him to hold onto for the next few decades? Will his memories be good ones? What have I done and what can I do to make moments special for him? My first real picture in my head from a moment in my life is right around the age of 2 1/2, so I know that he has been retaining permanent bits of information for awhile, but this still came as a surprise. Life goes by fast. I hope he remembers what he wants to remember.

It is funny to think that years and years down the road he may be calling me with a question about the past, just like I just called my Mom to ask how old I was when we moved to Texas.

It's not like I enjoy it anyway . . .

I have decided that I could spend the entirety of each day doing nothing but cleaning my home (superficial and deep) and it would actually look about the same as it does now when I do regular superficial cleaning and occasional deep cleaning. Kids and life just don't make for a home staying perfect for more than 35 seconds.

Conclusion: Accept that this is life with little munchkins that are home with me all day and keep things pleasant and not chaotic (already have). Now if I can get hubby to do the same. . .

Multitasking

I have been reading that studies(?) are finding that multitasking is not as effective as focusing on something until it is done. I don't know if this is really a change in thought for me, but I am definitely feeling like this makes a lot of sense. I usually feel like a chicken running with it's head cut off, but lately I am feeling about as useful as one, and I think ineffective multitasking is to blame.

Multitasking is a way of life for me as a Mother, but between all the interruptions that life and kids provide, it is just too hard to lose my place or forget where I am at in the midst of the chaos. I think that by laying out individual tasks and not moving on until they are done I will be able to accomplish more and minimize the ever present procrastination tendency. I am actually starting to think that this might even give me more free time to just enjoy life and the munchkins.

The kids are in bed and I am ready to start. Here's to a more organized and enjoyable life!

The Present

Passion kept one fully in the present,

so that time became a series of mutually exclusive 'nows.'

-Sue Halpern

I find myself struggling to stay in the present. My mind is always focusing on something else, something that is coming, something that needs to be done, something that happened in the past. Yet I feel like some of my favorite moments have been those fleeting "mutually exclusive nows."

I know that feeling like I am on top of what I need to have done helps me to keep my focus on the now, but I also feel like I am never ever going to be caught up, and never ever completely living in the present. If I stay this way I will soon be longing for the past, longing for the moments that I just wasn't completely there, moments that my children and I missed out on. This time I have with them is so short, I don't want to wake up one morning and see an adult and wonder where I was, asking myself where has the time gone and what have I done with it? And once again, the problem would come back to not living in the present.

I don't have answers, but it really helps to put my thoughts down somewhere.

hmmm . . .

Read this somewhere recently:

Make sure that everyone you encounter feels better about themselves/happier for having been around you.

I really need to take this to heart. Too frequently I am caught up in my own exhaustion or issues, or simply too caught up in me and forget to focus on the "you."

Also, I think the initial reaction is to think about this with people outside of my home, but what about my family? I think we reach such a high level of comfort that we tend to forget basic manners and good behavior because we know that those close to us will love us regardless of what we do or say. It is always good for me to be reminded that complaining or using a mean voice simply because I can is not a good thing. Bad moods are infectious. Fortunately, so are good moods. It always amazes me how quickly we can bring each other up or down, and I hope to spend more time on the "up" side of things.

Gratitude

A friend shared a challenge to share ten things I am grateful for.

Today is probably the best and worst day to do this. Best because I am feeling kind of cranky and could use the change of attitude, and worse because I'm kind of cranky and don't want a change of attitude. I just want a good nights sleep. And maybe a massage. By a handsome . . . .

It has just been a long day, so this list won't be as deep as it should be and will possibly be sassier than it should be, we'll see. Either way I think this is something I should try to do monthly, I am very blessed and need to remember that. The challenge included stopping complaining, so I am viewing this as getting stuff off my chest so that I can wake up happy, refreshed, and complaint free.

So, I am grateful for . . .

The occasional solid 8 hours of sleep a night. Oh so very grateful.

Modern conveniences: dishwasher (no, not Trevor, the machine) washer and dryer, indoor plumbing even when my 4 year old thinks it is cool to try and avoid it, modern medicine and doctors that don't have to trek through 10 miles of snow to bring my child the equivalent of Tylenol, computers and internet, phones, electricity, you name it. Although today is Earth Day and I should probably be writing a post about how all this stuff is going to kill us in the end, but oh well.

Good health. Even though we seem to have more than our share of minor illnesses over the last few months, they are simply that, minor.

The Ocean. It is truly magical. I am grateful that my son seemed to have caught a glimpse of this on our recent trip to Coronado Island. I am even more grateful that we were able to sit side by side, watching the sunset together for close to an hour. M told me that he likes the waves. It was a magical evening (My new favorite picture of him throwing sand in the sunset was taken that night.)

Spring. I have decided that it is my favorite time of year. I have been desperately waiting for my trees to blossom and it has been pure joy watching and appreciating them. I am amazed at how gorgeous the blossoms are and am perplexed as to how to take a photo that would share that beauty. I am grateful for the abundance of mature flowering trees in my backyard; I feel that the abundance is what makes the whole scene so stunning. I am not so thrilled about the geese and the ducks honking on the occasional morning, but I am grateful for our pond and I did buy earplugs today . . .

Really good food. Local produce and unique, not mass-produced food items. A husband that appreciates this also and who will eat his veggies and even eat vegetarian fairly frequently. I am also grateful that said husband appreciates the effort that goes into a truly delightful meal, and wouldn't be satisfied with a TV dinner. His patience with the occasional droughts of good cooking are nice too.

My little family and the knowledge that we can be together forever.

Books. You can find anything you need or want to know in them.

Good design. I just wish I could afford it.

Delicious water. There is really bad water out there, and there is nothing more wonderful than a cold, crisp glass of the good stuff in a real glass. Good water does not include bottled water, sorry. Plastic tastes nasty and supposedly even Wal-Mart (Yes, even Wal-Mart) is banning bottles that include BPA, so that should say it all. We have a local well I need to check out . . .

The innocence of children. I think my eldest is starting to leave this stage and I am realizing how much I appreciate it.

Now start making your own gratitude lists!

The Dark Ages

T was tearing out our front yard (yes, he is going to be T now. It is quicker and less personal!) and cut our internet cable; not just once, but four or five times according to the repairman. When we first realized what happened the company told me that would not be out to fix it for FOUR days and I just about went into shock. Four days without the internet? What was I going to do? Yes, I have a problem.

After getting over the initial withdrawal period I was actually excited - What was I going to do with these extra snippets of time? Read more, lay on the grass, cuddle my kids that much longer? Hooray for the freedom! Our www-free time was being enjoyed. Then the company called and informed that someone was on their way and I must admit to feeling kind of disappointed. Sort of like my vacation had been canceled due to inclement weather. Sort of like my computer was a ball and chain.

So . . . I had already formed my own personal internet anonymous group and had started distancing myself from checking email multiple times a day, and I am even more motivated to stick with the plan and make it through all the steps so that I can claim that I am Holly, and I am NOT an addict. Sure, I love the internet. It keeps me informed of what goes on in a world outside of mine. I also have to use it for a few different things I do, and while this blog isn't a need, it is just pure pleasure and helps me feel like I can get out a coherent thought, so that is ok. The occasional mindless 'net surf? Probably not so great. A book would be better, but I am making progress. I'll find that happy middle ground between pasty computer shut-in and the me that enjoys my own reality, and I'll enjoy it.

I am losing my mind, but . . .

I read recently that we do start losing our memory as we get older, but our mind also gets better at sorting and remembering those things that are worth remembering.

So . . . I am losing my mind, but I am better able to appreciate the information before I lose it?

hmmm. I wish I could find the article again.

More thoughts on creativity

A friend expressed interest in knowing more answers to my "helping your child increase creative thinking" thoughts. Since I really don't have any answers I will try to piece together thoughts as I have them.

I think that raising a child who thinks for herself and thinks creatively means that I have to indulge any creative and independent thoughts from a young age. As my kids develop new opinions and preferences, I need to go with them and indulge the free-spirited wild ideas and let them feel like their choices and opinions matter and that I support them. Sure, my daughter looks like a complete fruitcake in her outfit of choice, but the important thing is that this is the outfit of her choice. Yes, dropping off and picking up her older brother at preschool made me grin sheepishly, but that is just fine.

Naturally I still have to parent these choices and make sure that I am not letting things be pushed passed reasonable limits. I don't want to raise a bunch of wild brats (even though I might occasionally feel like that is exactly what I am doing!). I also want to make sure that my kids are safe and not endangering themselves.

Which leads to my other thought. There are consequences to every decision we make, and finding these consequences out for ourselves is an effective way to learn. If my little stinkers think that going out without a coat is fine when the wind chill puts the temperature below negative, letting them go out coat-less for a minute will not cause them to freeze and will probably have them running back for a coat almost immediately. And they just took responsibility for their decision, hooray!

We had an interesting twist on this situation today that I probably shouldn't share because it shows what a bad parent I am, but here it is: A glass was broken and both kids insisted that they wanted to help me clean it up. I said no because it is dangerous and carted M off to school with the plan to do it right after we returned. When I started cleaning A would not leave the situation alone, she was so focused on helping me clean that she couldn't see straight. She is rather stubborn and snuck in and grabbed a piece of glass and put it in the garbage. At this point I had repeatedly warned her of getting hurt, so stopped and carefully helped her put one more piece in the garbage. The third piece was the piece that cut her. After an emotional minute and many more spent holding her thumb to stop the blood she was bandaged up and ready to go. I was incredibly grateful that the cut was minor. The rest of the day involved her telling all of us how she got cut on the glass and that her finger is hurt. She was actually quite proud of it. (The funny part? It is the thumb she sucks that is bandaged up so I am curious to see if this helps wean her off of it.) I don't need anyone telling me how bad this could have turned out and how I should have put her in a locked room while I cleaned up. I know this. I also know that she now knows what glass can do to her and next time a glass breaks or she sees glass in the street, I have more hope that she will remember the pain in her finger and either be very careful or walk away and come get me.

So, this is mostly for me because it helps me to process my thoughts when I write them, but I hope this is a bit helpful to the one person that was interested. Hopefully any future thoughts will be more groundbreaking!

Laundry

Really, what is the deal with laundry? I get it all washed and put away and am feeling oh so proud of my housekeeping skills and then . . .

I accidentally look in the laundry room or the laundry baskets and see giant piles of dirty laundry.

I surrender.

Creativity

I had a brief, yet interesting discussion with my Mom about creativity. I have always realized that people are creative in different areas and on different levels, but a point she made has really stuck with me. Not everyone can think creatively or originally. It is a gift. A blessing to be appreciated and cherished, never to be taken for granted. Something we need to use, but never to the detriment of one who may not be able to see things the way we can.

This sums up my thoughts, but I'd like to take it further. I have to believe that creativity and originality are somewhat innate, but also have to believe that like a small seed they are thoughts, feelings, and ideas that can be grown and increased. While I would love nothing more than to increase these things in myself, I feel that there is more possibility and potential within my kids. The question is then, how do I help them develop these gifts while realizing that it is really up to them?

From things I have read and from my own experiences I believe that originality and the ability to think for one's self are going to be more necessary than ever as our world continues to change. Higher education is no longer the exception and great jobs are going to be harder to find. Add in school systems that seem to put more of a a focus on "the right answer is the only answer," rather than exploring all the different ways you can get to one of many solutions, and you start to worry that your child could turn into one more cookie in a cookie cutter world. Those that will be able to rise above and truly succeed are those that will cultivate originality and innovation, the ability to look outside the box and find what works, not just for them but for everything around them.

So how do I help cultivate that seed of curiosity, that desire to explore and learn more?

Some rambling additions on another night:
How do I raise a child that thinks for himself, and that feels a need for something more, something uniquely his that he can call his own? A child that is comfortable with that uniqueness, with that individuality, with not being one of the crowd. A child that doesn't just strive for a higher level, but one that looks for and finds ways to get there. How do I help this child to know that reaching that level isn't always the important thing, and that the lessons he can learn from attempting those heights are likely the most important thing he can take with him? That the only one that can truly measure his success is himself?

M has a game that I hate because he gets worked up if it doesn't look like the bottom of the box that he is always looking at to make sure things are put together the right way even though there are many more possibilities than what the box shows. I need to toss it (alright, donate it). I try to put thought into the toys and books that we own, making sure that most are interesting and require thought rather than button-pushing. I do fun stuff with the kids although I do it more on a quality rather than quantity level because I would go insane if all I did was do stuff with them all day or even every day. Maybe that is a bad thing but I like to think that it forces them to come up with ways to entertain themselves. It is also why walls and furniture get colored on. But to be with them 24/7, solving their every problem would be harmful to all of us. If I stepped in at every whimper they would never learn how to solve a problem on their own and would never feel the pride and satisfaction gained when one realizes their confidence in their own abilities.

Not-To-Do List

In absence of actually following through and doing my own 'Not-To-Do List', I wanted to keep track of this little blurb about it out of US News & World Report. It think this could be a very effective way for me to analyze my time and make the changes needed. I'm still sorting things out though . . .

Letting Go

This is what I am feeling a need for: letting go. By letting go I mean letting go of any preconceptions I may have of what life or a day will hold. Just let go and go with the flow, just go with the feelings of the moment. Just let things unravel as they unravel and see where things lead. Then follow that lead. Don't hold back.

Today we finger painted. We have never done it before, I just didn't want to deal with it. It felt good. It sort of set the mood for the day. Later that day I was reading Aesop's Fables with M and we came across the story of the bird that drops the pebbles in the narrow-necked container to raise the water to drink. I let go. I asked him if he wanted to try what the bird did. He was happy to be asked. We experimented and had the most fantastic time. It was so entertaining to see how interesting and exciting this was for my baby. To see a problem and discover a solution. To know that he can make things happen if he puts his mind to it. To know that he can take anything and make it his reality.

So, I'd like to continue letting go and see what happens. To see the possibilities. To make them my reality.

( I realize I am putting this online for almost anyone to read, but it feels kind of weird to be sharing all my personal thoughts. I know it is not the first time, but somehow this feels different. Maybe this is me letting go and following through. Maybe someone other than me needs these thoughts . . . Or maybe my head is still too sick and foggy to be writing.)

Enough Said

"Only if we can restrain ourselves is conversation possible. Good talk rises upon much self-discipline."

-John Erkine, The Complete Life

I lied. I feel compelled to leave a little comment. I rarely regret what I haven't said, but frequently regret what I have. Far too often it is those little extras and mindless additions that not only detract from a conversation but leave me wishing I had just sat still. This leads me to another quote I like:

"Be still when you have nothing to say; When genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say and say it hot."

-D.H. Lawrence

And now, enough said.

"The recipe for perpetual ignorance is:
be satisfied with your opinions
and content with your knowledge."

-Elbert Hubbard


"You are educated when you have
the ability to listen to almost anything
without losing your temper or self confidence."

-Robert Frost

_________________________

I feel this need to increase my knowledge and really stretch myself this year. Not in any particular area, just overall or in whatever areas seem to grab me. I find that at this stage in my life with two little kids, it is too easy to only be absorbed in the raising of them and be completely oblivious to the world around me. As much as I love this, I don't want to lose my sense of self or my place in a world outside my little life. Perhaps I have been feeling the need extra strongly because it is an election year, and the need to vote intelligently causes us to step it up a notch when it comes to what we know about our country and the people running it. Either way these are some of the thoughts running through my head and regardless of where they come from I'd like to remember them.

Catch and Release

To attain knowledge, add things every day;

to attain wisdom, remove things every day."

-Lao Zi (Tao Te Ching)

I read this today and had to save it because this is what I am trying to apply to my life in every aspect. There is so much I should and could be doing and so much I can get rid of to allow me to be more focused and productive. (Another blog Holly? Doesn't this contradict what you just wrote?) When I was toying with putting together some sort of New Year's resolution list, I stumbled upon something where they actually suggested writing a 'not to do list," and was struck by how appropriate that seemed. While I haven't done one yet, I'm not quite sure it is one I would want to post for the world to see . . .

One simple thing I am starting to let go of: I read quite a few different magazines and have always felt compelled to read them from cover-to-cover. I am starting to let go and realize that I don't need to read that article on mergers and acquisitions or how to bathe a newborn. If it isn't applicable or interesting, I don't need it.